More Stargate funnies... just because I can :D

[linauri]

Jack O'Neill: So what's your impression of Alar?
Teal'c: That he is concealing something.
Jack O'Neill: Like what?
Teal'c: I am unsure - he is concealing it.

 

Narim: No harm will come to you. The Tollan will guarantee it.
Jack O'Neill: Is that a "money back if you're not completely alive" guarantee?

---

Teal'c: Appearances may be deceiving.
Jack O'Neill: One man's ceiling is another man's floor.
Daniel: A fool's paradise is a wise man's hell.
Jack O'Neill: Never run with... scissors? 

---

Daniel: Wow, this place is incredible. It's like we just stepped into the citadel at Mycenae.
Jack O'Neill: I thought you said it was Greek.
Daniel: Oh, Mycenae was an ancient city in the Southern Peloponnesian region.
Jack O'Neill: Where's that?
Daniel: Greece.
Jack O'Neill: Why do I do that? 


Captain Kyle Rogers: You are all casualties until 1400 hours.
Jack O'Neill: Would that be Daylight Savings or Standard?


Daniel: That's interesting. I wonder if everyone's coming from some religious event.
Jack O'Neill: Why does it always have to be a religious thing with you? Maybe they're coming from a swap meet.

---

[Carter and O'Neill lie close to one another for warmth]
Sam Carter: Sir?
Jack O'Neill: It's my sidearm, I swear. 


Jack O'Neill: Teal'c, you don't have to stick around.
Teal'c: Undomesticated equines could not remove me.
Jack O'Neill: Wild horses, Teal'c. 


Teal'c: [in Jack's body] The mission did not go as planned.
Jack O'Neill: [sarcastically, in Teal'c's body] Ya think? 


Colonel Harry Maybourne: If you hit me, I'll have you court-martialed, Colonel.
Jack O'Neill: I'm not gonna hit you, Maybourne. I'm gonna shoot you.


Linea: There are many forms of power, my dear. Some are more subtle than others.
Jack O'Neill: Well, for the moment we just need the electrical kind.


Teal'C and Jack are repeating the same day and only they remember it. They decide to play golf into an active Stargate wormhole]
Jack O'Neill: How far away is this planet?
Teal'c: Several hundred light-years.
Jack O'Neill: That's gotta be a record.
[Jack golfs again]
General George S. Hammond: [They golf again later, and Hammond catches them] Jack, what the hell are you doing?
Jack O'Neill: [Jack screws up his golf swing] In the middle of my BACKSWING!

---

Jack O'Neill: Just give me some kind of warning.
Teal'c: I'm going to shoot you.
Jack O'Neill: I was thinking more along the lines of "On Three".


Jack O'Neill: Excuse me, I distinctly remember someone saying "We're not gonna make it!" I think we made it.
Jacob Carter: I'm sorry, I overreacted. At the time, it looked very much like we weren't going to make it.
Jack O'Neill: Yeah, well, maybe next time, you'll just wait and see.
Jacob Carter: And blow the last chance I might ever have to be right?


Vala Malduran: I know nothing about your fair planet... other than it seems to have a rather interesting if somewhat limited gene pool.
[looks at Daniel and Col. Mitchell] 


Cameron Mitchell: Ladies first.
Vala Malduran: [turns to Daniel] Well, then, after you. 


General George S. Hammond: You ever think of writing a book about your exploits in the line of duty?
Jack O'Neill: I've thought about it. But then I'd have to shoot anyone that actually read it. 


Teal'c: If you once again try to harm me or one of my companions, my patience with you will expire. (OK, not so much with the funny, but it just sounds so cool when Teal'c talks that way)

Daniel: I just hope we don't regret giving them those gate addresses.
Jack O'Neill: I don't think we will... the first one being a black hole, and all. They get progressively darker after that.


Sam Carter: The asteroid has an irregular shape, but we've calculated its length from end to end to be approximately 137 kilometers.
Jack O'Neill: I've seen this movie. It hits Paris.


Major Vallarin: Wait here.
Daniel Jackson: Yes, you go down the dark hallway alone and I'll wait here in the dark room alone.


Jack O'Neill: Actually, it's called the Accretion Disk.
Daniel: Well, I guess it's easy to understand why the local population would be afraid of something like that... *what* did you just say?
Jack O'Neill: It's just an astronomical term.
Sam Carter: You didn't think the Colonel had a telescope on his roof just to look at the neighbors, did you?
Jack O'Neill: Not initially.


Jack O'Neill: All right, we came here in peace, we expect to go in one... piece.


Jack O'Neill: What do you want?
Apophis: To live.
Jack O'Neill: I can't help you there. That's between you and your god. Oh, wait a minute. You are your god. That's a problem. 


SG-1 is discussing the 4 of them attacking a Goa'uld planet]
Teal'c: I believe a "medical attack" could be successful.
Jack O'Neill: Surgical attack, Teal'c, it's called a "surgical attack." 



OK, OK, I'm done. :D More at the following link, though. 
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0118480/quotes